Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Issue 11 - The Man or The Myth?

With all the Twilight-sparked Team Edward/Team Jacob debates still raging, I have caved in and am adding my entirely worthless contribution to the sub-culture (because, obviously, another opinion is needed): realistically, what would be the pros and cons of marrying a vampire or a werewolf – or something else entirely?

Throughout the history of their mythologies, it seems to me that the vampire always gets the girl and the werewolf always gets the rough end of the stick. (Sorry – lame joke. Woof.) I recently read the official sequel to Bram Stoker's Dracula (no, he didn't write it from beyond the grave; it was written by his great-nephew, Dacre Stoker, with Ian Holt), and even mean ol' Nosferatu got the girl, after all. I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about that...

Actually, I do know. Don't bother with it.

Moving on...

What about other mythical beings? Surely they must have their merits, as well. I mean, what if Bella had moved to Smallville, not Forks, and met Clark Kent? I guess we'd probably fall asleep from all the earnest wholesomeness if those two characters were together in the same movie.

In any case, here are my rough notes on the subject – in case you ever feel you may be falling in love with such a creature. We'll start with the two big guns: the vampire and the werewolf:


Incredibly attractive. Never ages or loses his hair.
Rich; in possession of large house.
Intelligent, well-read, more than likely a good musician/dancer.

Could accidentally kill you/turn you.
Will eventually look like your son, not your husband.
Summer holidays at the beach = difficult.
Must put up with occasional attacks from The Volturi or Van Helsing et al.


Loyal, faithful.
More fun than vampires.
Cuddly. Makes good hot water bottle.
Good at finding kids if they wander off during family outing to the park.

Could accidentally kill you/turn you.
Hefty clothing bill.
Have to give up wearing silver jewellery.
P.L.T. (Pre-Lunar Tension) = nasty.


Good bodyguard, but quite gentle.
Good with kids.

Drains constantly blocked from all the hair.
Bit daft.


Never an argument over the remote.
Great physique from protein-rich diet.
Keeps annoying house-callers away.

Not a great conversationalist.
Terrible personal hygiene.


Genuinely caring beneath the cynicism.
Great sense of humour.

Very short. Tom Cruise-short.
Cannot risk having a pet cat.


Handsome – looks good in glasses.
Loving, dedicated.
Nice family.
Knows a good photographer – saves costs on weddings/parties.
Good at getting lids off jars.

Too trusting of dodgy friends.
Constantly runs out on dates/anniversaries/important occasions.

Hmm...Considering all of these points, I think I'll stick with a bog-standard, typical, romantic-comedy type: sweet, handsome, witty, heroic, sensitive, totally in love with me – and just as mythical as the rest of them.